Statistics of my Fat, Smelly Roomate

[Country Boy Shane]

These posts are to warn others of the worst aspects of a roomate. If you ever have to have one for college or apartment living make sure you interview them. My roomate is Kirby Bogard. He is a slug supremo. We have a 2-room apartment here at Lawrence Technological University here in Southfield, Michigan. If you people are that it is actually a dorm well you are wrong. My dorm is huge and it is an ex-apartment that has a living room, bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom. Still this is not enough room to tread away from the annoyance that is Kirby. Here is a detailed decription of what he looks like and how he behaves.

-Greasy hair
-Big old glasses that are falling apart
-Omish beard that isn't even thick yet because he doesn't shave. Seriously younger dudes out there, if you can't grow it thick and everywhere on your face that beards are supposed to grow - don't grow it at all.
-Wears disgustingly old flannel shirts and T-Shirts that say Holland on them all the time.l
-Wears Husky jeans that are two short leaving a nice shade of shade of white where his pants are supposed to meet his shoes.
-Shoes are poop/dirt stained Caterpillar sneakers that reek in the closet.
-Likes to act like he is southern all the time but he is not. He'll be talking all normal and then he'll kick it in to announce that it's funny time. Guess what Kirby, you are not funny and stories about how you once saw a deer with a bare spot of skin are not funny. Comprendo.



The Statistics

Days Kirby has not showered: 3 days. To describe the smell of him is quite difficult now. It's best derived at a mixture of Cantelope and sweaty feet. If you are asking how do i smell him don't worry because you can smell him coming down the the hall.

Ham sanwiches Kirby has ate between 6pm and 10pm: 4. Seriously Kirby. You wonder why you are getting so plump, well it's right in front of your face.

Times Kirby has made gross mucous sounding noises with his sinus involuntarily causing the most agrivating noise in the world: 32.

Times Kirby has made snapping noises from biting his nails watching "Executive Decision":79. This is staggering. There are little nail niblets all around the chair where he sits. So gross.

I'll be sure to update these numbers especially the showering one. I think he's going for a new world record.

[VelvetGeorge]

Yikes! Sounds like you might find better company down at the county drunk tank. Hope this arrangement only lasts a semester or two.
Otherwise an intervention may be in order.

George

[Country Boy Shane]

I better plan a mutiny. I think he actually showered for the Detroit Auto Show on the weekend. The shower head was all jacked. That doesn't stop him from being a smelly ofe though. Today he got busted for copying a paper from his friend. Like the professor wasn't going to figure that out Kirby... how bout a big fat zero dumbass!! HAAAAAAAAAA

[Country Boy Shane]

Attention! Kirby has tied the record with not showering 5 days. Congradulations Kirby: You are a fat smelly loser that doesn't know proper hygeine and probably doesn't know how to turn on a shower.

New smell detected!
The new smell is cheesy foot stench and he rubs his feet on the couch and wonder's why they smell.

One of these days i'm just going to crack and force him in the shower!

Disturbing Thought
Kirby was flipping through the channels and all of the sudden we see Demi Moore doing her striptease in of course "Striptease", and he watches it for 3 seconds and says, "That's disgusting." My gay-dar went off immediately. Demi Moore is one of the finest ladies on the planet and even knock Fran Drescher off the top of my list. Kirby thought it was better to watch old dudes digging up fossils instead on Discovery.

Just thought i would post my thoughts here and see what ya think

[Country Boy Shane]

Holy Cow!

Update: Kirby has actually started to shower once a week. But still, he's a smelly sickness.