Too old to gig jokes....

Post by **VelvetGeorge** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:52 pm

You know you're too old to gig when:

1. it becomes more important to find a place on stage for your box fan
than your amp
2. You refuse to play out of tune
3. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of
golf.
4. Your fans have left by 10:30 pm
5. All you want from groupies is a foot massage
6. Your after show party is at the International House of Pancakes
7. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along to most of
your playlist
8. You hire band members for their values instead of their talent
9. Instead of fifth member your band wants to spring for a roadie
10. You lost the directions to the gig
11. You need your glasses to see the amp settings
12. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage
13. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
14. The waitress is your daughter
15. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers
16. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats
17. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case
18. You no longer use a tip jar
19. You refuse to play without earplugs
20. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30
21. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig
22. Your gig stool has a back
23. You're related to at least one member in the band
24. You don't let any one sit in
25. You need a nap before the gig
26. After the third set you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
27. During the breaks you now go to the van to lay down
28. You prefer a music stand with a light
29. You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon
30. You can't operate without a set list
31. You have a contract
32. You hope the host's speech lasts forever.....

Also...

... You buy amps considering their weight not their tone or cool factor.
... You feel guilty looking at the hot chicks at the bar because they're
younger than your daughter.
... You can remember 7 different club names of the same location
... You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days
*and* could physically do it.

Ruben · Post by **Ruben** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 5:49 am

Ha ha ha!!!! Great stuff!

Post by **Brian Wallace** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 7:10 am

7. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along to most of
your playlist

TV commercials are more like it for me.

Seems like all the good tunes are now in some sort of commercial.

MacGaden · Post by **MacGaden** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 7:13 am

Hmm, not quite there yet. But I can see some of them on the horizon.

But at my last gig, the only women worth looking at were my wife, or the bass players very nice looking daughters...

A few gigs back we had a new organplayer. He still needed some notes. But he had forgotten his reading glasses..

So we hunted all over through a strange town, not for strings, gaffatape, a tech, booze, babes or drugs, but for a pair of reading glasses so he could get through the gig,,, Not really very rock

Ruben · Post by **Ruben** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 8:47 am

MacGaden I'll be playing Neykobing by the 22 and 23th of June, bring those daughters of your bassplayer!

Bad Kitty · Post by **Bad Kitty** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 12:30 pm

That list is like the movie "This is Spinal Tap". The longer you do this, the less funny it gets.

Mike

NY Chief · Post by **NY Chief** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 3:45 pm

One summer we did Tues, Wed, Thurs (East Coast 4am quitting time) and I worked a full time day job. I used to take a nap during lunch under my desk...

45auto · Post by **45auto** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 9:27 am

That list is like the movie "This is Spinal Tap". The longer you do this, the less funny it gets.

+1

yngwie308 · Post by **yngwie308** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 3:55 am

Great George,you might be too old to rock and roll,if you don't care if the audience is listening,maybe all three of them..
The green M&M's are there backstage,despite the contract ryder!
The pigs in a blanket on the backstage food service tray,are tofu and soy protien dogs.
Your sound man has his i pod firmly stuck in his ear,there are over three walkers in the front row,and all the underwear thrown on stage is depends and support stockings!
The drums are mic'd up louder than your 50 watt head and 4X12,plus the drummer has electronc drums and favours latin-samba,while you're attempting a few Seeger tunes.
There isn't enough room to walk around in front of the vocal mics cuse everyones Line 6 pods and echo parks are in the way,you need two by fours to place over the effects to walk off stage.
The owner is giving you and the band free drinks,but they are in small airline bottles,from his other job as airline food service supply.
Your band can adapt to any crowd,for biker night it's Born To be Wild,followed by Magic Carpet Ride.
Your relatives and mom are filming the gig rom the front row,you feel like you are an extra in Spinal Tap,and are waiting for Rob Reiner and Paul Schaffer to show up.
Your support band has three Fender Metal Head 300 watt stacks as their backline,you have your Divided by13 18 watt combo.The pa amp is an old Harmon Kardon Reciever with only RCA jacks and no Din or XLR plugs or sockets.
You are Playing Rock the Casbah at a Bar Mitzvah.
You attempt to flip your Strat over your shoulder,but only succeed in ramming you lower back with the tremelo arm.
Your equipment truck breaks down and you are forced to place heads and 4X12's in your Hybrid Civic!
Thats enough right,hope I entered into the spirit of the proceedings George,your list was hilarious!!
yngwie'gigbag'308

geoff_bell · Post by **geoff_bell** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 6:27 pm

your vintage gear was new when you bought it

you wear cowboy boots for the gig, but loafers for driving the van

the bar manager tells you to turn the volume on the pa system up

darrell · Post by **darrell** » Mon Mar 19, 2007 9:52 pm

I woke up one day and they called it clasic rock on the radio

darrell · Post by **darrell** » Mon Mar 19, 2007 9:54 pm

You son say's I don't see How can you listen to that dad.

NY Chief · Post by **NY Chief** » Tue Mar 20, 2007 12:50 pm

You hear Start Me Up, Iron Man, Machine Head, Who are You, Rock N roll, etc on CAR COMMERCIALS........