Is it wrong ..

HARLEYIII · Post by **HARLEYIII** » Thu Mar 25, 2010 12:10 pm

Im gonna be gettin married here in the next few months. I got a question for anyone who cares to chime in

Is it wrong, to want a woman (who you are engaged to, and will be living with you) to get rid of / dispose of - photos / artwork / cards / letters / memorabilia /"keepsakes" of or from an ex or person they were once involved with? There are no children involved, and she has zero contact with any of them. They arent still friends, etc.

It's not a jealousy issue or a trust issue. I have no worrys about her. I just dont like reminders of the past. Anyone ?

demonufo · Post by **demonufo** » Thu Mar 25, 2010 1:25 pm

Yep, blatantly very wrong. Sorry.

jerrydyer · Post by **jerrydyer** » Thu Mar 25, 2010 1:31 pm

you cant ask someone to erase their memories whether mentally or physically. Im sure your a cool guy but you gotta be a big boy now. She wants it not to bother you and if you make it so it will pay off. Otherwise your relationship is staged to fail.

zaphod777 · Post by **zaphod777** » Thu Mar 25, 2010 1:34 pm

I have to agree with demonufo and jerry. It is wrong.

Her past is part of what makes her who she is.

Let her keep them.

worldoftone · Post by **worldoftone** » Thu Mar 25, 2010 2:53 pm

My wife kept her stuff, I kept my stuff. No problems.

- WOT

stump · Post by **stump** » Thu Mar 25, 2010 4:53 pm

What they said. Eventually me and the wife got rid of the stuff.

fillmore nyc · Post by **fillmore nyc** » Thu Mar 25, 2010 7:55 pm

HARLEYIII wrote:Im gonna be gettin married here in the next few months. I got a question for anyone who cares to chime in

Is it wrong, to want a woman (who you are engaged to, and will be living with you) to get rid of / dispose of - photos / artwork / cards / letters / memorabilia /"keepsakes" of or from an ex or person they were once involved with? There are no children involved, and she has zero contact with any of them. They arent still friends, etc.

It's not a jealousy issue or a trust issue. I have no worrys about her. I just dont like reminders of the past. Anyone ?

Well, ONE way to see this is that in reality, you are asking her to get rid of pieces of herself. What her past WAS is what has made her who she is today. If she chose you as her partner, then she has effectively cast off the importance of whatever those objects represent.

You said something really important here:

HARLEYIII wrote:I just dont like reminders of the past... (I being the operative word)

Thats YOUR deal, not hers. If you have some reason to not want to be reminded of her past, or if there is something in her past that you're trying to avoid, then its really up to you to explore that and find out why that is, and maybe do something about it. Do these things represent some sort of "threat" to your security with her? You said that they dont:

HARLEYIII wrote:It's not a jealousy issue or a trust issue. I have no worrys about her.

I mean, think of the extension of the line of thinking that you dont like reminders of her past... if she mentions some ex's name, is it gonna throw you off course? Again, her past DOES dictate who she is to you now. It doesnt seem like we're talking about nude pics, or a slinky thong someone gave her. As long as the stuff is P.C. and maybe not directly in your face (which is a good compromise for the two of you to make about these things) I wouldnt see an issue with it.

I see these objects as something to celebrate, because they ARE the sign posts in her life that led her to you. AND what a gift to her it would be for you not have any judgment about them!!

IMO, let her keep the stuff. (And IMO only... dont substitute my judgment here about this for your own... at the end of the day, its your relationship)

Look at it this way... lets say an ex of yours gave you a momento representative of some significant achievement in your life, or maybe just a thoughtful gift (like a guitar??) and your fiance thought the meaning (to you) of this gift was to remind you of your ex, but in reality, it had nothing to do with your ex at all... it represented that you were proud of yourself for this achievement, or maybe you just loved this guitar... how would you feel if she wanted you to get rid of it?
Maybe its not a reminder of your ex... maybe its just an object that you like for your own reasons, and now has nothing to do with your ex at all, but its virtually guaranteed that you'll end up resenting her for making you get rid of it.

To me, this is about you, not her. Making these (apparently insignificant to your relationship) things an issue is gonna start the opening of the "DREADED CAN OF WORMS"!!!!

Again, its your relationship, but in the big picture of a relationship, and with all the REAL shit thats gonna come up, this stuff is so minimal that it doesnt even deserve a blip on your radar screen. Trust me on this... MUCH bigger fish are gonna come down the stream, and this sort of thing can make getting over big shit even harder than it is, cause the infection of resentment (over insignificant stuff) has already begun to fester.

Didnt mean to make this long winded, brother, but Psychology and the manifestations of normal and abnormal human behavior is somewhat of a study of mine, so its just my observation based on the question you asked.

HARLEYIII · Post by **HARLEYIII** » Fri Mar 26, 2010 9:13 am

Nothing wrong with long winded, and I appreciate your long winded response.
Good points all the way around. Cheers Brahs!

jerrydyer · Post by **jerrydyer** » Fri Mar 26, 2010 11:46 am

yeah after a few years when you have to clean cause your low on space, shell dump it then.

FL6 · Post by **FL6** » Fri Mar 26, 2010 12:46 pm

Nothing wrong with asking.
She how she responds, go from there.

demonufo · Post by **demonufo** » Fri Mar 26, 2010 5:06 pm

jerrydyer wrote:yeah after a few years when you have to clean cause your low on space, shell dump it then.

Absolutely, and this probably will happen. I know just recently I got fed up of not having enough space, and threw loads of my old shit out that I didn't want to part with for fu$$ knows what reason. Now it's just tubes, components, leads, cables and amps in bits cluttering up the place (not to mention 1000's of CD's and old vinyls, reel to reel tape decks etc). I'm amazed I still have a wife!

I wouldn't worry too much, as long as it's tucked away in a drawer out of sight.

NY Chief · Post by **NY Chief** » Sat Apr 03, 2010 1:27 pm

You also have to remember that there are reasons that they are EX's and you are current! I have a box somewhere of pics of old GF's and when I stumble across them I look a few and think "THANK GOD that one didn't turn out. In retropspect it might have seemed great then but nowhere as good as it is where I'm out now."

fillmore nyc · Post by **fillmore nyc** » Sat Apr 03, 2010 2:46 pm

NY Chief wrote:You also have to remember that there are reasons that they are EX's and you are current! I have a box somewhere of pics of old GF's and when I stumble across them I look a few and think "THANK GOD that one didn't turn out. In retropspect it might have seemed great then but nowhere as good as it is where I'm out now."

Few truer words have ever been spoken.

(I have a few select pics of a few select ex's, but my wife wouldnt like 'em. And I cant bring myself to throw 'em out... they beez hidden real good).

NY Chief · Post by **NY Chief** » Mon Apr 05, 2010 10:13 am

fillmore nyc wrote:[(I have a few select pics of a few select ex's, but my wife wouldnt like 'em. And I cant bring myself to throw 'em out... they beez hidden real good).[/b][/size]

exactly.....

fillmore nyc · Post by **fillmore nyc** » Mon Apr 05, 2010 5:26 pm

NY Chief wrote:exactly.....

/

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