Did I make the right call?

[spaceace76]

My day is off to a rough start today, as I made a decision that I've been struggling with for months now. Many of you guys here have probably been through worse, so I'm seeking the wisdom of the board to see if perhaps I made a misstep here.

So here's the story.

About a year ago I started dating a 17 y/o high school girl (I'm 22) and a few months back she revealed to me that she wanted to break up once she left for school, which happens on the 27th of this month. After having to live with a relationship with an expiration date for a few months, I realized that there was no way I could change her mind about it. Everything has gone great up till the point where she revealed her decision, and even after that. We were pretty good together and I couldn't see why she wasn't even willing to give it a shot. I tossed around the idea of breaking it off before she left. The other day, I wrote up a note to send her in case she was too busy to come over before leaving. she showed up last night and on her way out this morning, I bit the bullet and showed it to her. I explained that I cared about her but I wasn't able to continue fooling myself that she would miraculously change her decision. It's been bothering me ever since she said it, and now that she's got about 2 weeks left, I'm not sure I could fake it through all that. I wanted more than anything to keep her around but it wasn't going to happen.

So what do you guys think? Did i make the right call here? should I have told her, or just kept my mouth shut for another two weeks? What would you have done?

[jerrydyer]

put her on the back burner until she is 18......if the laws in your state are the same as here, youre playing with fire kid. I work for a crim def attorney. Call me when your in jail Ill see what I can do.

[fillmore nyc]

So here's the story.

About a year ago I started dating a 17 y/o high school girl (I'm 22) and a few months back she revealed to me that she wanted to break up once she left for school, which happens on the 27th of this month. After having to live with a relationship with an expiration date for a few months, I realized that there was no way I could change her mind about it. Everything has gone great up till the point where she revealed her decision, and even after that. We were pretty good together and I couldn't see why she wasn't even willing to give it a shot. I tossed around the idea of breaking it off before she left. The other day, I wrote up a note to send her in case she was too busy to come over before leaving. she showed up last night and on her way out this morning, I bit the bullet and showed it to her. I explained that I cared about her but I wasn't able to continue fooling myself that she would miraculously change her decision. It's been bothering me ever since she said it, and now that she's got about 2 weeks left, I'm not sure I could fake it through all that. I wanted more than anything to keep her around but it wasn't going to happen.

So what do you guys think? Did i make the right call here? should I have told her, or just kept my mouth shut for another two weeks? What would you have done?

Ace, almost the EXACT same thing happened to me years ago with an old GF. I was going out with her for about 2 1/2 years, when right around the beginning of the summer, she announces that she's going away to a school in upstate NY. I was friggin' SHOCKED. I thought shit was great, no problems. I tried to hold it together, but what that did was make me into a blathering, begging idiot the whole summer, and then later on the phone to her after she left. I would even do shit like drive all the way up to her school, just to find her happy, and worse, hanging out with other guys!! I thought my stomach was gonna fall out!! It sucked ass in a BIG way, and ultimately, of course, I ended up without her.
The hard fact is that if she is breaking it off with you, she's GONNA see other guys at school. I know thats a harsh reality, but its inevitable.
IMO, you did the right thing. Breaking it off clean, and dealing with the pain for a while is the only way to go, and as SOON as you meet someone else, you'll forget about her. Again, I hate to tell you this, but thats exactly what she's gonna do, so its better just to end it, than to become a beggar like I was.

Nothing is worse than trying to convince her that she should stick with you while it becomes obvious that she's happy, moving on and all your well intended efforts are falling on deaf ears. That was MY reality, and it fuckin' SUCKED.
Good luck, bro.

[toner]

I think you did the right thing. You obviously care about her since you spent time worrying about it and are asking for advice (here of all places!).

I know it may not feel this way, especially at a young age, but if it wasn't meant to be, it won't matter that much to you in a few months. One thing I learn more and more each year is that 'I have absolutely no power over other people'.

17-year-old's change their minds about important issues every ten seconds. Most women do the same thing. Put the two together and, well... you do the math. Good luck!

[spaceace76]

put her on the back burner until she is 18......if the laws in your state are the same as here, youre playing with fire kid. I work for a crim def attorney. Call me when your in jail Ill see what I can do.

she was 17 when we started, turned 18 in march. thanks tho

[mightymike]

I think you were very wise to break it off first. It showed you have balls, and aren't needy. Women respect that.
I have a feeling you would have liked to stay together. IMHO your best chance at getting her back would be to not call her, and when she calls you act like you're happy, having a blast, acheiving goals (even if you're dying inside). Basicly act like you've moved on and it's no big deal so much so that you can sit and joke with her on the phone like nothing happened.

I've found out early in life that it irks a woman when you are not devasted at losing them. It makes them wonder if they did the right thing. It makes them look at you as a strong man, and 9 times out of 10 they break down crying and beg you back. When they do, you act supportive, and say stuff like .. don't cry....It's going to be ok...

Either way you put yourself in the driver seat by ending things. Well done. Hope it works out.

[axeman]

Fucker her for the last 2 weeks knuckle head.

Sorry what else can you do? Your story reminds me of a relationship I had.

Good Luck. BTW you will allways have us.

[OnTheFritz]

put her on the back burner until she is 18......if the laws in your state are the same as here, youre playing with fire kid. I work for a crim def attorney. Call me when your in jail Ill see what I can do.

Funny how things are regardless of how we'd like.
Here's California:
California The age of consent is eighteen. With parental consent, there are no age limits regarding the minimum age for a couple to marry

Here's a link. Some States, especially in the Southern Bible Belt are bat-shit crazy. Go figure!

http://family.findlaw.com/marriage/marr ... -laws.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Age 14 in South Carolina, and age 13 In Texas for females.

[spaceace76]

I guess this is an odd choice of places to speak about this, but I know the wisdom of this forum pretty well, and it turns out Fill here had the same thing happen, so I'm glad I chose here.

My friends have all shared your sentiments, but sometimes friends have to say things a certain way to get you through the BS, so I wanted to hear what other people thought of the situation with even less info about my relationship with her. She's pretty wise for her age but she's very naive too. She probably won't understand how well i treated her until she dates around in college and sees how many assholes there are out there (I was her first boyfriend).

What was great was that after being depressed for about 2 hours, I grabbed lunch and caught the rest of a show I DVR'd, hopped in the shower and by the time I got out, felt totally fine. The whole thing had been bothering me for months but now there's nothing left to worry about. I can move on and just live my life without being concerned that she'll change her mind or not. I've had a lot going on with school and trying to find work and keeping my car running, it became something of a chore to get her to show up in the first place, let alone to be left hoping she'd suddenly have a change of heart. I spent some time with the boys last night and I honestly feel like I've moved on already.

I have quite a few things I've been meaning to do (including a few amp builds) and there's no better time than now.

Thanks for the kind words guys

[NY Chief]

Ace, we've ALL been there or will be there at some point in our lives. Sometimes more than once because you have big heart. And I would venture to guess most of us here do as it comes with the territory of love of music, creativity, appreciation, art, etc. I know it sucks and it hurts. Went through it when I first moved to CA (I was 34 she was 22) said she loved me countless times but did things to the contrary. And we got along like symbiotic twins. I finally strapped on a pair and ended it (of course after I forced her hand and asked her to marry me and she disappeared for the weekend). Looking at it now it's one of THE LUCKIEST things to happen to me becuase I then found out when she was disappearing she was fukin her old boyfriend who she said she borke up with before we started banging. A two faced bitch that would have really taken my life down the shitter. And it was THIS close. When I met my wife years later I realized the good LOrd saved my ass and gave me all the thing s that I thought were great with the bitch times 10!

Crank up that amp and bang out a few 1000 watt power cords. Get the anger out of your system. Go out to clubs and have a purely DON"T GIVE A FUCK ATTITUDE and the girls will be all over you.

[frenchie]

(I was 34 she was 22) said she loved me countless times but did things to the contrary. And we got along like symbiotic twins. I finally strapped on a pair and ended it (of course after I forced her hand and asked her to marry me and she disappeared for the weekend). Looking at it now it's one of THE LUCKIEST things to happen

he he .. my mother always told me a thing which proven to be true afterwards in my life ; " relationships and women are like mushrooms , the more colored and beautifull they are the more poisonnous " ... dating a real hot woman with strong personnalty , and very strong sensuality requires a gigantic pair of bollocks ( because of the other lions dreaming of cutting your throat ) and a completely dull sensibility ( because sincerely not giving a fuck in front of an obvious world champion bombshell , i mean it's doable but you gotta be super super super used to it , which unless you're millionnaire or ceo of a modeling agency is very unlikely , i mean we all have had one or two , but we're still at the point of saying to ourselves "wow is it really ME dating HER ? " each time it happens ) , just simulate the "don't give a fuck " simply don't work at all , when you play a role it requires energy , and at the end of the day you may have less of it to sustain the show, and women are very very very instinctive creatures , freaking high on the 6th sense all day long , they have eagle eyes for the microscopic cracks in the crystal glass , once they spot it , you're dead ...

[Froumy]

Sorry to hear it, brother. Yeah. You made the right call. Probably not going to change anything, though. Glad you had a moment of movin' on.

When you're older? You man up like that, and it'll make a difference. Doesn't take too long for the ladies to realize that we can all be total assholes. When they're 26, they're BEGGING for you to put yourself out on that limb- same way you did(most of us won't). Her loss. Not yours.

3/4 of all married women want a divorce because they're not getting what you just gave your gal.... So yeah. You made the right call, even if your "buddies" called it pathetic. It's your life, and you gotta answer for that- without regret. Maybe you need to adjust your people-picker(far more important than you think).... But at 22, that T-n-A picker is gonna be outta control. Goal is to get both, but that latter one is really mind numbing. Don't be a dummy. If the former isn't there, it's going to go up in flames. Can take a lifetime to figure that out.....

G'Luck.

And ohh yeah.... Thanks Frenchie. NOW your mother chimes in. I'm swinging 'em as low as I can, but it ain't easy. Not complaining, either. She's still hot, 15 years later. 2 beautiful children. But, you're Mom got it right.

[chrisom]

'Dude. I'm 47 and went thru the exact same thing as you when I was your age, except she eventually came back and told me everything I wanted to hear and things were great for about a year by which time we were married with a child on the way.

Then she started saying the same shit again, divorced me, moved in with another guy and I paid child support to her for twenty years, selling all my guitar gear many times to keep afloat. I'm o.k. now, but she's on her 3rd marriage (to some rich bald guy 15 years older than her) and looks like shit.

She looked good then, but after some long droughts I ended up being with WAY better women than her (though I thought I didn't want anybody else at the time). Now I have a great adult daughter that respects me for being there for her, 10 guitars (one is a Les Paul), 4 Marshall 4x12 cabs, a Metro '68 plexi build, a hot asian girlfriend and life is great.

Don't be stupid like I was. Take one semester of basic classes at your local college & you'll probably forget all about her when you see all the fine horny young girls who are living out on their own for the first time ever...

For a high school girl, dumping your boyfriend before going away to college is a rite of passage they all do unless the guy's family is extremely loaded financially, and even then some will still sneak around behind your back...

[JimiJames]

what they all said...
I don't care what age. you know when it's there. I married my high school sweetheart but, better as friends...
The analogy here is a human being not an object. Facing Life with an appreciation of your experiences will lead you in the next relationship with a higher appreciation that will be noticed by the next woman. That make's you "The Keeper"
I don't know how to 'sssplain' it, Ricky, but, You will know what you want not only with the next relationship but, the next Ms. Right.
NOW is when you should know her intent NOT " Can I talk to you?" later down the road.

signed: NOT Dr. Phil

[spaceace76]

Sorry to hear it, brother. Yeah. You made the right call. Probably not going to change anything, though. Glad you had a moment of movin' on.

When you're older? You man up like that, and it'll make a difference. Doesn't take too long for the ladies to realize that we can all be total assholes. When they're 26, they're BEGGING for you to put yourself out on that limb- same way you did(most of us won't). Her loss. Not yours.

3/4 of all married women want a divorce because they're not getting what you just gave your gal.... So yeah. You made the right call, even if your "buddies" called it pathetic.

As the time passes I can't tell you how little I'm doubting my decision. I feel a million times better, like I turned a stress switch off in my head. My buds didn't call it pathetic, every one of them, male and female, supported my idea to just let her go. My closest friend said he was proud of me, although he was pretty wasted

I posted here to see what those older and wiser than myself would have to say, and it's pretty clear to me that this was the way to go. At first I felt like it was kind of a dick move, but it had to be done, and I have ZERO regrets at this point. I did my best to keep her happy and it ended up teaching me a whole lot about relationships. It really is her loss. Plus I've already made it past the worst of it, I've essentially bounced back and I'm just looking towards the future now, can't ask for much more than that. I've tried to keep it in perspective, so many people have it worse, and they roll right through all the bullshit, so I can too. Ever seen that movie "Frozen"? I try to think about that when I'm having a rough day. Someone's probably got it 10 times worse than I do at any given moment, and they're probably only bitching half as loud as I am! This is a relatively small road bump, there's tons more girls ( ) and tons more shit I need to do. I could care less about her at this point, I've got my own life to live.

'Dude. I'm 47 and went thru the exact same thing as you when I was your age, except she eventually came back and told me everything I wanted to hear and things were great for about a year by which time we were married with a child on the way.

For a high school girl, dumping your boyfriend before going away to college is a rite of passage they all do unless the guy's family is extremely loaded financially, and even then some will still sneak around behind your back...

Wow that sucks man! I kinda hate how women say the world would be better off with female leaders, but you hear stories of heartbreak and what amounts to manipulation like that. At least men have the decency to start wars instead of just being a blood sucking beast... good to hear things are going well for you now tho! asian, huh? never been much into asian girls, maybe i'll try to find one I like this time around.

Yeah, I've considered what I'd do if she came back and tried to get back together. A few days ago my answer might have been that I would probably say yes, but today I think it would definitely be a NO. She had her chance and made up her mind, letting her change it later would just be stupid. At this point I know for a fact I deserve better.

I think you may be right about that rite of passage... I recall many of the couples in HS broke up with just a whiff of the words "summer break"

Frenchie, your mom was wise to tell you that early on How are French women btw? are they as crazed and tenacious as american girls?

Thanks again for all the kind words guys. hope the ladies are all treating you well